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tangled_soul
12 May 2009 @ 09:35 pm
This journal will cease to exist as of today.

The other blog will cease to exist as well.

I'm done writing.

I'm done trying.

I'm giving up.

I swore I never would.


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.

 
 
tangled_soul
12 May 2009 @ 02:26 pm
Three days straight shopping for house stuff. It struck me last night that the last time I was out buying stuff for a place was with Katherine. We toured the malls looking at everything, getting everything she needed. It hit me all at once last night when I walked down the aisle at Wal-mart where they had closet organizers. It hurt. It brought a flood of memories back.

Two days. I will remember. Even if I don't know what today is.


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
07 May 2009 @ 08:28 am
Dear Judie: Why must we reduce our meetings? Oh right, not enough money.

A better post in another blog.



May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
06 May 2009 @ 05:24 am
Even in my dreams you still hurt me. I want to stop dreaming so I can stop waking up in a panic. It's hard enough during the day. The nights shouldn't be hard too.




May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
03 May 2009 @ 12:57 pm
Stay.

The.

Fuck.

Out.

Of.

My.

DREAMS!


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
30 April 2009 @ 10:59 am
Everything in my life is moving forward. All in a good way, in almost every aspect but one. If I said I still didn't love you and feel and mean everything that I ever said, I wouldn't be telling the truth. You, not by my side, is the only thing that makes my life a living hell every day I wake up. And yes, I blame you for that. What would have been so hard to just sit me down months and months ago and talk to me? If you were to ever give me anything, you could have given me that.

Everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake, and everybody's empty, and everything is so messed up. Can you take it all away? Well you shoved it in my face, this pain you gave to me. Nobody told me what you thought. Nobody told me what to say. Everyone showed you where to turn, told you when to run away.



May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
27 April 2009 @ 08:11 am
Lost  
So what have we done with X and O's to mark our way home.




May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
25 April 2009 @ 05:43 pm
When you start to hate the sounds of laughter...

Everyone told me months ago, you will feel different. That you may not feel this way in a month or two.

Guess what? I still do. I was right.

I hide it pretty well, don't I?

Yeah....



May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
24 April 2009 @ 08:21 am
I don't want to love you anymore. But I can't help it


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
22 April 2009 @ 06:13 pm
My memory goes back to the corner where I first saw you. And if one day your heart wakes up and you find that joy within me...maybe you'll meet me back on the corner on that street.


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
21 April 2009 @ 08:20 pm
You've got your name in lights and because of that you can't seem to spell mine right...



May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.

 
 
tangled_soul
20 April 2009 @ 10:37 am








I.

Was.

Right.






May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
19 April 2009 @ 01:51 pm
Today is my Easter. Last year, Katherine was sick. She was supposed to be here.

This year, she should have been here. In almost two years, every family occasion, she was supposed to be here. But something always unfortunate came up.

Amanda has cats. I push it away. It doesn't play with me. It doesn't treat me the same way. I hate it.

This sounds stupid. I miss Itty. How fucked up does that sound?


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
18 April 2009 @ 11:23 pm
Watching a movie with her.

Can't stop thinking about the one I really want.

Tomorrow, I swear, I update. I hate that my phone won't update the other blog.

Should probably be paying attention to her.


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
16 April 2009 @ 08:13 pm
This is frustrating. I keep leaving my notes from my session at work.

And by the time I get around to updating the other spot, I will forget half of it.

Maybe tomorrow night.


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
15 April 2009 @ 05:37 pm
Today was filled with appointments.

Went to doctor #1 to see how the medication is doing. It's bringing me more down than I was before. I still think and feel, but I'm becoming numb. I just explode from time to time in fits of emotion.

Lost more weight. Pants I bought months ago that were taken in, were taken in again a few weeks ago. And, they need to be taken in again, but there is nothing to take in.

I'm hovering just under 160. I don't like it.

Doctor #2 tonight. Not sure why I am still going. Just my pessimism that I don't see the reason why.

Now to find the ambition tonight to write in the other blog.

Yeah, I kind of hate life right now.



May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
15 April 2009 @ 07:09 am
I want to skip the 15th of every month.

I can never remember what the date is any other day. I don't remember any other dates.

But I wake up on the 15th day of every month and remember. It would have been one more month together.

Countdown to devastation in 5 months.


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
14 April 2009 @ 09:50 am
And so this is it, I guess. The weekend was filled with so much heartache that I don't know anymore.

I saw Katherine in the hardware store. Talked to Michelle, who gave me advice to send a message. I got a reply and knew it would be more rejection, as it always was with her; as it has been since December. Send my reply and left it at that.

There was one thing that I didn't reply to in her e-mail - when she said that on that night, I had shown her how much I really haven't changed. I have. I have been trying hard. With every other person that I have met since, I have been different and applied what I'm learning.

I didn't reply to that because I've become tired of trying to explain it to her. I can't show you that I've changed if you won't give me the opportunity to do so. How can you see something when you won't afford me the chance?

I'm left wondering so often. Did I not try hard enough before and after? Was I not good enough for her? What more could I have possibly done?

I never believed in love. I never believed in any of that until Katherine came along. Now, I believe that I've lost that one person that I was meant to be with.

I've stopped sending Michelle the Monday message. It's not that I don't feel that way anymore. It's just pointless to do so. Michelle knows how I feel about her. She can still relate it to her when she sees fit. It's just easier to say that, on the day I no longer feel it, I will tell Michelle. Until then, please let her know.

I have taken off restrictions on this journal and it's open to all, not that anyone reads it really anymore, other than those that are still on my friends list. But, it's there if she ever logs back in to this.

It also seems that everyone is getting my wish. Anna confronted one of her ex's where she thought she made a huge mistake more than a year ago. He is with someone else now, living together. He left the girl. And now, they are trying to figure out how to get back together.

Talking to Beth as well. It seems it took almost five to six years to start talking again. She has said that she plans to come to Halifax in May to see me, to sit and talk about things. She has things she wants to say after all these years. She is also with someone else. What struck me in one e-mail a few weeks ago was that she still misses me and misses the relationship we had. Even though she is with someone else. I wonder what it is she has to say when I see her. Will it be what I want from Katherine?

And finally, last night had a long talk with Amanda. Everything almost came out - how fucked up I am; the fact I'm in therapy and why; and so many other messed up things about me. I caught myself, somewhat. But she kept persisting. And I told her that I will talk to her about it on Saturday. But that I will only bring it up once because it's too hard to talk about all the time.

I'm more depressed lately. The medication is doing some of it I think. I never want to wake up either. An hour late for work today. I'm so exhausted and drained all the time. I want to sleep my life away and never wake up.

I'm sorry I still love you. I know I shouldn't be. If I could undo all the feelings I have for you and the feelings you have/had for me, I would. So that neither of us would ever have to hurt like this again.


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.



 
 
tangled_soul
09 April 2009 @ 12:43 pm
Really bad day.

Tired of those I love walking out on me.

Wish one would walk back in.

For once, I'd like to be the one given another chance.

Just once.

I don't want to say goodbye, and I don't want to make you cry.

I just want to see you smile again.

Everything I used to be is waiting over there for me.

I'll be waiting over here for you.



May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
09 April 2009 @ 01:47 am
Everything I dream for is happening with someone else.

Took years. Now, she's coming back.

Need to talk. Only a month away.

How long until she realizes the same thing? Will she?

Will it be too late like this one?


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home
 
 
tangled_soul
08 April 2009 @ 05:13 pm
E-mails and conversations with strangers.

Reveal more about us than I could see then.

Why was I so blind to what I actually had?

To what was actually happening.

It's okay. They still care about you.

I won't make the same mistakes.

I won't overlook those things again.

With the next person - whether it's you or someone else.


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
08 April 2009 @ 08:28 am
1 month ago today.

You walked out of my life for the second time.

I've kept those text messages.

Can't bring myself to delete them.



May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
06 April 2009 @ 01:16 pm
Time  
It's supposed to get easier with time... NOT fucking harder.

Never felt this way before.

I may never get over you.

Maybe you'll get back into me...


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
02 April 2009 @ 09:30 pm
I'm jaded, cold and hardened. But I have to hold back tears when I watch tv, with two old people, one in a hospital bed, the other sitting next to it.

Always pictured us in that position down the road. Until the end.

Secretly, when that point came, I always wished she would go first.

That way, she wouldn't have to be the one to hurt alone.


May you find everything you hope for. I miss you and love you, my heart is open, if you ever want to come home.
 
 
tangled_soul
27 April 2008 @ 11:24 pm
Why is it, that every time something is bothering me, it's thrown into my face everywhere I look?
 
 
tangled_soul
23 April 2008 @ 11:04 am
In a shitty mood today. So frustrated with the past. I don't know why I get like this some times. It sometimes pops up and bothers me, incredibly so, and then it dissipates. But it puts me in a shitty, shitty mood and makes me sick to my stomach.
 
 
tangled_soul
22 April 2008 @ 01:15 pm
I'm frustrated and I know I shouldn't be. It seems like there are so many things to do and not enough time and they don't want to work out. Katherine is coming up this week and we're looking at apartments and the one they are showing us is in the basement. Fine and dandy, except I worry about how safe it is to have windows someone can easily break into.

She keeps saying that I'm trying to scare her, but I don't think that's the case. I just worry that something horrible may happen.

It's hard enough being apart - 3 hours away - and having to worry some times. At least, I know, that I can't always be down there right away should something happen. But, if she's living only 5 minutes away and something were to happen that I could have somehow prevented, I don't know how I would take it. I would blame myself being so close.

Most of it has to do with knowing the area, knowing the people and knowning when to go somewhere, where potential danger is, etc...
 
 
tangled_soul
17 April 2008 @ 01:31 pm
Feel like a sasck of shit today.
So incredibly tired.
Need to take people places tonight.
Sleep early to make it to Amherst Friday.
 
 
tangled_soul
13 April 2008 @ 11:46 pm
I should have been in bed a while ago, but instead, I've been cleaning and organizing my room - getting rid of papers, files, etc. I've only cleaned out my desk, which included re-organizing all my books 3 or 4 times (I've made room for about another 25 or so...) and cleaning out a filing-cabinet-type-drawer-thingy.... and that leaves me with 2 bags of junk.

Once I start though, the OCD kicks in and I have to finish, but, given the hour, I think that's best left for tomorrow, when I will tackle the dresser and rid myself of any old and unwanted clothes, then to the closet, which will have a major overhaul.

This week is also going to be, very tiring. Gwen is coming on Tuesday night, leaving for somewhere down south at 3am. I agreed to drive her to the airport for her flight, which leaves at 6am, but I guess she has to be there for 3am. Plus, I have a course the day after, and then I also have to pick her up from the airport, one week later at 4am.

A part of me thinks I should have said no, but then again, I was asked a few months ago and figured it wouldn't have been a problem.

The rest of the week is going to be spent counting down until Friday.
 
 
tangled_soul
13 April 2008 @ 08:16 pm
Another weekend spent in Amherst, although Sunday was cut short. Took a drive back to Halifax with her father instead of taking the bus. In another 8 weeks or so, it will all come to an end. No more bus rides back and forth. She will finally be here.

It was a slow weekend, but fun, for reasons which I don't think I can post in here.

And as I sit here drinking from a bottle of water, I can't help but think of the bottle of water that I left in her room this weekend. That was the most disgusting water I ever drank. I've never had water that was thick tasting, with a texture of melted butter.

In other news, Easter is in about 2 weeks time. Katherine will be here for that. I hope it all goes well.

As May approaches, it's also time to start cleaning up and figuring where to put her stuff and to help her pack up. When June hits, it will be time to move her in.
 
 
tangled_soul
11 April 2008 @ 11:43 am
Out of boredom, I decided to go back and see what I had written on this day, in every year of my journal. Apparently in all the years, it was only in 2006 that I posted on April 11.

11 April 2006 @ 01:17 am

come back home...
cant fucking sit in here
i dont want to spend the night in here.
gone somewhere...anywhere



11 April 2006 @ 05:48 pm

I am a freak.


I apologize to all those whom I blocked on MSN.
It's not personal.
I just need to be away for now.
I will unblock at some point in the future.
 
 
tangled_soul
08 April 2008 @ 09:23 pm

Ever since I began writing in here again. Ever since I began re-reading old posts. I've been stuck in a mental rut that I can't seem to totally get myself out of. Now I remember why I stopped writing in this thing - because it made me think too much.

I think that it has to do with more than that. I don't think I've actually dealt with anything that is in my journal. It seems like periods of complete hoplessness and then escapism.

I thought that by now I would feel nothing about the past given what I have accomplished and especially given who I'm with. But, I can't forget and even more than that, I can't forgive. It's amazing to read and still experience such hatred and disgust about so many people. It seems that it's only situational though. There were great times but dwelling on the good times only re-inforces all the bad.

Looking back, those that hurt me, those things that happened, I know now that it would have been pointless to even consider seeing myself with anyone from back then. I think I knew back then that it wouldn't have worked out. And I'm glad it didn't, otherwise I would never have met Katherine.

I'm just sorry to her that what happened then has so affected our relationship now. The difficulty in trust issues especially. She has been nothing but good to me and still I have such a hard time trusting and believing that this isn't all going to end. I don't want to look back one day and read about her in here and feel the same distate in my mind that I feel about so many others.

I sometimes feel as though she has been cheated. I once tried to ignore the past. To look at a relationship without any prior bias. The outcome - to be cheated on multiple times. This was, the relationship just before meeting Katherine. I know she doesn't and has done nothing to deserve an un-even playing field from me and I hope she understands, just like she says she does. I guess I sometimes wait for the inevitable, the common, what has always been expected.



Headlights like the grace of God
Leading us to faraway lands
I am at peace with what I truly am
It's a shame, we travelled so far
Just to dance this dance
The sublty in comfort in our families reassures us that...

Congratulations to the girl who stole the show
The one who threw the fight
Or dealt the devastating blow
As life goes by, we can change or so we say
Tomorrow, up and left today...

The secret is out and news of this may have already reached home
I suppose you would rather, wander this dark road alone
And who am I to write the things I could never know
Or decide, who's affection towards you would show

All of the best to the girl who authored the novel
Is she a liar, or just ashamed of what she wrote
As time goes by, she will age, grow fragile and numb
And fearful of change and of what she will become




 
 
Feeling: blahblah
Music: Mike Bochoff - Splitting Fiction
 
 
tangled_soul
07 April 2008 @ 03:28 pm
I read through some of my old posts and realized I have no clue what half of them mean anymore. Some, I can figure out by the comments left, while others, I have to read the entire month to figure out.

I can say that I was pretty fucked up for quite a while when I was writing, which probably explains it. Most of the entries were done while drunk, or while in suck a state of anxiety that it's been years since I've gone back to read them, and now, I have no idea who some of these people were, what happened, or why.

I'm sure they remember though.
 
 
tangled_soul
I haven't written a word in here in a long time, but perhaps it's time to do so again. Instead of the daily posts of the past, it will be more like a weekly re-cap. And, in my old fashion of uncensored, blunt and very straight-forward manner, this is how it will be done.

Since my last post in November things have changed and things have stayed the same, and some things, well...

I'm still working at Communications Nova Scotia as a communications officer. The two-year term is split between CNS and the Public Service Commission, but as of yet, I haven't seen the PSC.

I can actually say that I am enjoying it. Given the lack of writing jobs available in the city, this was an easy, yet intimidating switch. I suppose any new job is intimidating at first.

The hours are great, the pay is better than I've had in the past and the few weeks of vacation and flexibility it affords me is a little odd. I'm not used to having a job where I'm entitled to 3 or 4 weeks off a year, sick days, etc... Before it used to be, work and get paid or don't work and be poor.

I'm hoping that it pans out in the end and ends up being a long-term career move. It would be very helpful as I'm looking into buying a house with my brother come this fall. It's about time I get on it. I'm not getting any younger and finding that it's time to make an investment.

We've been looking at buying a duplex, with a basement that we can fix up into a one-bedroom apartment and make some income from it as well.

In other news, I'm seeing someone from Amherst, which was mentioned in my previous post. I've changed my life around from running wild.

At the time, I wasn't looking for anything serious, but you can never know who you will meet and that's what happened. We met at the end of August here in Halifax and she ended up moving back to Amherst in September. Since that time for the last 7 months, we've been doing the whole long-distance thing. Something that I told myself I would never do again.

But, looking back, I'm glad I made the choice. I spend every weekend traveling down to be with her and she will soon be moving back up here.

I'm surprised that it lasted this long to be honest. I figured that it would end, or turn into just another short-term fling, but it hasn't.

Given my insecurities and things that have happened in the past, I was very hesitant. But, I think that seeing each other for only 2 or 3 days every week, and talking nightly, has given us a chance to learn more about each other than had we been living in the same city. It has forced us to be open, even when we didn't want to hear things, but it's caused us to communicate more.

She understands what I've been through and what I feel and I can understand her situations as well. For once, I can say that I'm with someone that I truly care about and see a future. And, that she shows me that she cares as well and often, it is with the little things she does.

She understands my wants and desires of the future, my goals, and hers, for the most part, fall in line with mine. We have a similar outlook for the future and we are both willing to sacrifice the things that we want to make it work.

In June she moves up to live with me for two months before she finds an apartment, which she's been looking at a place close to where I live. If the house deal goes through, then it won't be long before she is there. Something that she says she is looking forward to.

I guess my only problem are her pets: the cats, dogs and the horses - yes I said horses. But, I suppose that I have to accept them all if I want to be with her.

While we've had our share of problems, arguments, fights, we've overcome them. What kind of relationship doesn't have problems?

I don't know if anyone actually reads this anymore. A few months back, just after she and I got together, someone had sent her a link to my journal, from an anonymous account.

Why? I don't know. Perhaps because they had wanted her to read what I was doing and how my life was in the past, in hopes that she would change her mind?

I never told her about my livejournal as it was something from my past. But, when she found out about it from someone, she chose not to read it, even though I gave her permission to if she wanted. Everything in my journal, was talked about in conversations. She knows what I was like. That anonymous person forced us into talking about it.

Should I be mad that some one tried to break us apart, if that was their intent? Perhaps. But, the truth is, it brought us closer together by getting things out of the way early on. I was afraid of what she would think of me before I had a chance to show her that I wasn't so much the person now that I was before. Perhaps a thanks is in order.

And now, as this is getting too long it's probably time to stop writing. It's going to be a slow week at work from what I can tell, the next two weeks will be a little busier and then back down to Amherst again on Friday night, hopefully, if her dad is in the city to give me a ride down.
 
 
tangled_soul
04 November 2007 @ 08:07 pm
So I've pretty much abandoned this thing and have been thinking the past little while that I should just get rid of it, or just change the security settings on it and keep it around for memories.

But, perhaps a bi-yearly post will suffice to sum up life.

In the last 4-5 months since I last posted we've had the following things occur:

1) Put an end to my wild ways. Went out with the craziest summer of life.

2) Met someone and have since struck up a relationship that seems to be going very well. For once, someone sane, knows what they want out of life and is taking the necessary steps to accomplish their goals.

3) Decided against the journalism career, although working on a few side projects - a screenplay/novel.

4) Working for the government now as a communications officer. Great job, great benefits and the only place to go is up.

6) Spend my weekends travelling around for the most part.

7) Looking into buying a house in the near future and all that grown-up stuff.

8) Life has come full circle and fallen into place. Things are great and have a new outlook.

Another update in a few months time I suppose.
 
 
tangled_soul
21 July 2007 @ 04:01 pm
Well, it's been a while since I even wrote anything on here - so, the update won't be that exciting.

With the family gone for the summer it appears I have reverted back to the old Fredericton tricks.
4 girls, 3 nights, one hell of a weekend. I hope their kids don't mind..

In other news...sore.
 
 
tangled_soul
26 June 2007 @ 07:13 am

It's been a long time since I've last updated this thing. So let me list in point form what has happened over the last 6 months.

1 - Graduated from St. Thomas - finally out of that place, but kind of miss it in the long run.

2- Working as a communication and marketing coordinator for the canadian mental health association for a couple of months.

3- Planning a trip to the UK and from there a 6 month backpacking adventure around Europe. Hopefully, ending up in Greece for that international internship if I get it.

4- Everyone leaves for Greece in 3 weeks and that means two months to myself.

5- I've put my wild ways to rest. I can't believe how good I've been over the last 4 months. Although that is quickly going to change very soon I think.

6- Still working nights. Two jobs on different schedules sucks.

That is all.

 
 
tangled_soul
26 May 2007 @ 09:54 am

I have no clue if anyone even reads this anymore - seeing as I haven't written anything in ages. So here comes a huge update regardless in some condensed form.

1) Finally graduated from STU. We'll soon find out whether it's been four years wasted or not.
2) After a year working on my autism article, it's been sold to [HERE].
3) Life has been pretty uneventful the last month or so.
4) Freelancing in my spare time.
5) Working weekend shifts on nights at Sobeys.
6) Started a new job with the Canadian Mental Health Association working as Public Relations and Marketing Coordinator.
7) Slowly starting to settle down and working towards something.
8) Making plans for a backpacking trip through Europe in March. Just me, one bag and my camera.
9) Hopefully will be working for an English newspaper in Greece starting one year from today.
10) That is it.

 
 
tangled_soul
22 April 2007 @ 04:23 pm

and now - after 4 years and a piece of paper life is supposed to begin?

when does it start?

 
 
tangled_soul
06 April 2007 @ 06:32 am
....  
why is life so confusing?


Where were you the day they stole our innocence?

Were you awake or were you sleeping?

Or just too afraid to disagree?